As I cleaned out the fridge last weekend, confronting a myriad of mysterious alien lifeforms floating in briny fluids, months-old liquified meatloaf that threatened to breach its container, and hardened bits of what I can only presume was once cheese, it occurred to me that what I was doing was truly heroic—even if only in my mind.
So, in recognition of all those unseen little acts of bravery and duty that come with the job of parenting, I present: Medals of Valor for Thankless Jobs:
The Confessional Medal of Honor: Awarded for outstanding service in breaking up sibling fights, and extracting tearful, remorseful confessions of guilt.
The Dinner Service Cross: Presented in recognition of providing the evening meal, every night of the week, for a decade or more. Includes takeout and delivery.
The Purple Fart: One of parenting’s highest honors. Bestowed upon a parent who, despite being assaulted by Level 5 methane emissions by their children, continues to read bedtime stories without passing out.
The Distinguished Suction Medal: Bestowed to those who have gone above and beyond the call of duty and vacuumed not just the floor, but the fields of debris between and under the couch cushions—even though no one noticed a difference.
The Sacrificed Sleep Medal: Presented to parents who continue to provide shelter and sustenance to an infant or child, despite said child ensuring they receive less than three straight hours of uninterrupted sleep for a year or more.
The Order of Laundry: Awarded for washing, drying, folding, and putting away an entire load of laundry in a single day—without any cross-contamination of pocketed kleenexes.
The Odiferous Service Medal: Awarded in recognition of outstanding duty, bravery and resilience displayed in determining the source of a stench of putrefaction, and eliminating said source—be it from fridge, garbage, or the space beneath a child’s bed.
The Distinguished Crying Cross: Presented in recognition of outstanding self-control shown by a parent who locks themselves in the bathroom to shed tears of frustration rather than giving in to the urge to sob openly in front of their devil spawn.
The Sliver Star: For the deft removal of a sliver from the foot of a child who has been repeatedly reminded not to run in bare feet over a wood chip-covered playground because they would get a sliver—without saying “I told you so.”
The UNO Peacekeeping Medal: Bestowed for sacrificing five or more rounds of UNO, successfully averting meltdowns from a competitive small child.
The Brown Star: Awarded for uncommon bravery and resilience in the safe diffusion and disposal of loaded diapers in a public bathroom.
BATSHIT PARENTING 