What if I told you there was this internationally renowned woman, practically worshipped by just about everyone for her groundbreaking work combining zoology, psychology, empathy, and environmentalism that made us all rethink what we know about sentient life…….but who stuck her kid in a cage for hours, in the middle of the African bush, presumably deprived of playmates and peers?
Who is this astoundingly accomplished woman who also sounds like a mother from hell?
JANE MOTHERF-ING GOODALL!
And no, I’m not making this shit up. Badass Jane, who spent decades observing wild chimpanzees in Tanzania, not only had a baby out there, but, in her words, dumped him in “a sort of cage, which we built. But you could stand upright and walk across it.”
Why the cage? Because of the murderous chimps rampaging about. Oh, but don’t worry: “He couldn’t even crawl. So it was almost like a giant cot. And he was never on his own. He was never left even for five minutes without somebody in the room with him,” Jane explains, adding, “And I never left him one single night until he was 3 years old.” Eventually, Jane and her then-husband, photographer Hugo van Lawick, sent their son—whom they nicknamed “Grub” (no comment)—to boarding school in England to get educated.
Okay, I’m really not dunking on Jane Goodall here. In fact, by all accounts, “Grub” aka Hugo, turned out to be a happy, well-adjusted adult and father, working as a boatbuilder and supporting his mother’s work in Tanzania. And yeah, while he appears to have had some residual resentment, he got over it and remains close to his mom.
So I just want to take a moment to point out how insane it is that we moms are all sitting here in 2021, worried about whether we’re participating in enough library storytimes, taking mom-and-baby yoga classes, organizing baby playdates, obsessively baby-proofing our homes, losing sleep over Montessori or Reggio Emilia, and worrying that Covid-19 masks are going to affect our kids’ language acquisition—while Jane Goodall simply tossed her kiddo into a cage, miles from civilization, hung out with sometimes violent wild animals, and sent him away to get educated to another continent like it was the most natural thing in the world. And, as far as I can tell, she wasn’t shamed for it either.
If there’s a lesson in all of this, it’s this: I figure it’s time we moms channeled a little more Jane and a little less Hilaria Baldwin before we all end up going apeshit ourselves.
BATSHIT PARENTING 